Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
