Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
ttyl tear gas
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
