When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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