I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
