OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.