3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.