My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.