Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
