I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
