I cut my penus on the lid.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
