Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
