ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
