the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
