Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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