Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
