You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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