sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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