Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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