im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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