I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm too high and old for this...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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