did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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