there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
