The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
