no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
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You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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