Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
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There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
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How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed