the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
