ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
