White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
