Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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