This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
