Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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