So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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