Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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