You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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