I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
