i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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