I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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