addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
