I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
