Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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