I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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