textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
