some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
