Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
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