life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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