Where did you get a picture of my penis
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
