Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
