just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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