i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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