So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
