I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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