Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
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