I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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