So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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