you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think i have two assholes
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize