I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
