can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
