Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
pray to the hookup gods
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
