and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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