P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
