literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
