i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
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