i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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