Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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