planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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